Being happy is easy. You smile, and the world smiles with you. It’s as if the entire universe celebrates with you in your victory, in your joyous celebration, in your heartfelt experience.
Even when you’re in the most uncomfortable situation – let’s say a jam-packed MRT car during rush hour – you feel like the world is ready to break in a song, celebrate your happiness with a flash mob, and serenade you as you squeeze yourself to the exit doors.
With sadness, it’s a different case.
The sadness is yours and yours alone. No matter how many times you tell the story, how many ways you re-shape it trying to convince others (Who are you fooling? You’re just convincing yourself) of your point, no one else will be in touch with your pain.
Your deepest, most haunting, most human experience is yours alone for the taking.
That throbbing nerve that has been stepped on, smashed repeatedly and left alone? It will need to recuperate on its own with no quick relief medications, no shortcuts on hand.
They say when you’re going through hell, just go through it. But they also say forever seems such a long time when you’re lonely – and going through hell always seems to take forever.
There are so many reasons to be happy, but often, one reason is enough to cause us an overflowing sense of grief. A familiar scent, a marked corner, a nearby cafe – can remind you of things you’d rather erase from your memory, or if at all possible, from Earth.
I can recount all of the things that remind me of you. I can even list them down, but not at this moment when loneliness has come to eat me alive and bury me with piercing images of you, memories of when you still loved me.
I am sorry but right now, I don’t have the heart to keep count. You must have taken it with you.